I'm looking forward to the arrivals, I guess. I don't know.

I saw jackrabbit tonight, briefly. It was the end of a game and I was coming down to see the guys at the comic shop and go for a drink. He didn't look at me ONCE. I offered a piece of gum and he said no thanks without looking at me and then left.

Wow, how sad that made me, you have no idea. He was the biggest thing in my life for the better part of a year and a half, and now he's nothing more than a shadow, a wraith passing through my peripheral, hoping not to be seen, hoping that I will not notice him, leave him alone, leave me alone. I miss him terribly, as much pain and sorrow as he caused me.

I am the one that sees potential. I am the one that sees the good in people, that good that goes unappreciated by so many others. Jackrabbit has the sensitive heart that so many people lack, and I don't wonder that because of his sensitive heart, he has built a giant wall surrounding that heart to keep it safe.

So I threw myself against that wall, and some of my blood leaked through the cracks that formed under the pressure of my body, but the sight of it made him shrink away, in fear that it would poison his well and make him feel more than he wanted. And when I showed strength, and felt that I no longer wanted to batter my body against his jagged and bloodied stones, he felt that he'd seen a side of me that he hadn't before, a side that he didn't like.

And later, when I came to the wall again and knocked gently, carrying love and tenderness with the olive branch in my hair, he refused me entrance. He built a second layer inside the first and sat behind it staunchly, ready to defend against any blow that I might deliver with my already broken body.

I miss him. I miss you. I miss your face and when I saw it tonight, and how it turned away from me, I felt you take the sun away.

You've made your point, and I respect your wishes, but I do not agree, and I fight silently with myself to forgive you and make room for you one day, should your wall come down, even a little, to let some of my blood through. It's blood full of love and life and to touch it is to touch me and my heart, my heart, my heart is ready and willing. The space I made for you is for you and always you and you can claim it when you wish.

I owe you at least that much, love. You were the first one that I loved for real for real for real. It's the scariest feeling on earth.