Someone mentioned today that I don't seem world weary to them. They're 10 years older than me, mind you, so I suppose from their end of the telescope I look brighter due to slightly more youth. (He's not that old, really. He seems the same age, from where I stand).

I guess that's uplifting. I suppose to someone younger, my brother, say, I seem a lot more weary. But my brother doesn't see me that way anyway. I think he still really looks up to me and looks after me all at the same time. What a great kid.

Back to the age topic, it's interesting to me that someone who is ten years older than me doesn't seem ten years older, to me. You know the whole concept of how there's such a HUGE difference between age 10 and 20 but not so huge a difference between 50 and 60? I am feeling that, in a sort of relative way.

Blue is 37, I'm 27, I'll be 28 this year. We were teenagers in completely different decades. SERIOUSLY different decades. We were born in different eras. We've experienced different things, been part of different subcultures etc, but I don't see much difference between he and I.

I don't think it has anything to do with me seeing myself as older, or he younger, just that there really isn't THAT much difference between nearly 30 and nearly 40. It's a middle range age, like the middle sibling. In limbo, not one way or the other. Not old, not young. Just here, plodding through life trying to get to another age, an older one in numbers, a younger one in heart.

Hmm.

JR and I are grown apart. It's apparent now that his company doesn't comfort me anymore. I love him, I love him, I love him. But I have given up and a friendship just isn't possible it seems. He always knew that. It's not a revelation.

Tromley and I are taking a break from each other, mostly he's taking a break from me. From the drama. That's ok, he needs it. And he says that he will always be here, that he's not going anywhere and that he does have something invested in me, if not much out of bad timing. But I still feel like in the end, when all is said and done and time and space have been served, he'll choose me as a friend, and I won't be able to sustain that.

I find with a few experiences, that I'm not very good at remaining friends with people who have 'rejected' me. Even if they haven't literally rejected me, it's a perceived rejection, and throughout the friendship, there will be that resentment there, and that glimmer of hope somewhere that they'll realize a mistake and change their minds. But then they find someone else, and I will not be able to abide watching them with the person that they felt was right and good enough etc for them. And I'll compare myself, I'll find the reasons the new girl is better no matter how much he protests. That, however unhealthy it is, will happen. Because that's how my unwell little mind works.

Sad, but true. Like the leopard, I can't do anything about my spots, no matter how hard I try to scratch them off.