Oct. 27, 2003 - 6:21 p.m.
Aversion to Sex..who woulda thunk it?

Something is odd. I am into meeting new men, expanding my horizons, injecting new energy in my life and all that. I get excited when I get flirted with and when there's obvious interest.

But with the exception of Corny, it seems that when the opportunity arises for a date of some sort, I feel like I want to back off and out.

I imagine getting into a relationship of some kind, any kind, committed or not and I start to feel weird about it. Like I don't want to do it. So obviously I WON'T do it unless this feeling isn't there.

I'm going on a date right now with someone I don't know very well.

I met him online. Which is almost always a mistake it seems. He knows a very good friend of mine too, small world. But now that I'm meeting him, I feel like I dont' want to.

I suppose the best thing to do is be honest with everyone, and say that I don't think I'm capable of anything in the way of a committed relationship and that maybe I can just date. But when I imagine sex or anything intimate like that with anyone (surprisingly with the exception of Corny) I feel an aversion to it creeping in. Like, I don't want to see this person naked. I don't want this person to see ME naked. I don't want to obligate myself. I don't want them to get hurt or obligate themselves. I don't want to accidentally or subconsciously compare them to Jackrabbit.

I don't seem to feel any of this when I imagine Corny, so that's a nice change, but everyone else, I just panic. Sex scares me. Relationships scare me. I don't want to stick my neck out there. I don't want to meet someone and be so profoundly disappointed that I don't have the desire to even call them ever again.

I don't want to be corralled or backed into a corner. I don't want to feel trapped.

I guess this kinda means a) I don't want a relationship for the sake of having a relationship, and b) I'm most likely not ready for a relationship.

I would very much like Corny to call me though, to see where it goes. I had a good feeling about him. But maybe in the daylight without the added pleasure of booze, he remembers the girl he's seeing and has changed his mind. I think that would disappoint me most of all.

old bitching - random - new bitching

Reads Like:

Sounds Like:
Some old school Sarah McLachlan
Feels Like:
My fucking ankle hurts and it's NOT FAIR.

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