Little star.

Tears just well up. I want to curl into a ball, hold my belly and cry but I can't. Because I'm at work. So I'll just sit at my desk, with silent tears rolling down my cheeks and hope that someone doesn't walk in right at this moment and see me.

I don't suppose there's a formula for getting over something like this. In actuality, I don't think I'll ever be fully and completely over it. There will always be part of me that wonders what this one would have been like.

Would he/she have looked more like JR or like me? Would he/she be skinny like JR and have those big eyes and full lips and my soft hair and skin and little tiny hands? Or chubby like me with JR's not so hot skin and orange hair like his sister? Would he/she be artistic or practical? Realist or Idealist? Funny or serene? Messy or anal?

Little star.

Would he/she have been depressive like me? Or overly critical like JR and my gramma? Spacey like my mum? Laid back like my brother? Cold like JR's father? Would he/she love cats or dogs? Or both? Love animals to death and be vegetarian? Be a natural dancer? Love music? Sing? Be into nature? Develope his/her father's love of gaming?

Little star.

These are things I obviously will never know, and I'm resigned to that. But it's hard not to wonder who you nearly brought to the world, to make it better hopefully. I can see where the pro-lifers can get caught up in this, feeling that I've maybe robbed the world of someone really special, and I do feel like I have to some degree. But if I had the baby, I would also feel like I'd robbed him/her of a father who loved them AND their mother, I robbed him/her of a family. The chance to have the best possible family life I could provide.

Little star.

I could have done it. I could have raised a baby. I have a home. I have a job that has maternity benefits, I have a mum that would be the most indulgent gramma on the planet, and my gramma who would be the most indulgent great gramma in the universe. I have a brother who would babysit for me. JR would even have been there. He would have been as best a father to him/her as he could under the circumstances. He would pay for half the stuff.

I could have done it financially, though it would have been a struggle. Even emotionally I could do it, I have lived long enough to know a few things. I'm a strong woman that can handle enough stress, though it breaks me sometimes, just like everybody else.

It's funny how just a few months ago I was trying to find reasons to have children other than because I want to. Now I trying to grasp reasons why me not having one was a good idea.

Little star
so you had to go
you must have wanted him to know
you must have wanted to world to know
poor little thing

I'm so sorry.