I'm totally out of control. I cannot control my eating and my weight. I cannot control my feelings. I went to playland with a group of people last night, which was fun, but once again, Tromley and Jana. Why do I try so hard?

I act ok. I do it so well. I strike up conversation. I act like everything is fine. Everything is not fine. I am torn up inside.

I'm not even sure it's that I want him anymore. I have enough resentment that I probably don't. But it's how things unfolded that bothers me the most. How I feel cheated, and misunderstood, and used in an indirect manner.

I hate that I was the last one before he married her. I hate it.

Yet I continue to make plans.

I need more time. I'm not ready to be thrust into their lives yet as a friend that's all deep in Tromley's heart.

I hate being me today. I hate my hulking, clumsy bulk. I hate that I'm not a 'lady'. I hate my voice, I hate my sense of humour. I hate my lack of delicacy. I hate my energy.

I feel so much like I don't belong here, or anywhere, for that matter. I do well to fit myself in. I can do that, I'm adaptable. But I feel like an imposter. Here I am, with my happy face on, doing what I can to feel like I fit in and I'm functional.

But I don't let people get close. I pretend that I do, but really, there's no one close to me, not like anyone thinks. If everyone went away would I feel sorry because they're gone, or just sorry for myself? I am afraid that if I search, I'll find that it's the latter.

Which would mean that all my pining, all my sorrow and loss was all bullshit. All just me, feeling pity for myself that I didn't get what I want and things didn't go my way. I'm so afraid to find this is true.

And the scary part is, I don't see a path for me. Trom and Jana have their path, Chris and Nonie have theirs. Everyone else has their path, and I don't see mine.

I don't see me with a partner at all because maybe I'm too selfish. Maybe I'm not partner material because it's all about me, and that's why I see myself alone forever. Because I can't be selfless and what I feel is surface - superficial.

I don't want this life anymore. I never wanted it to begin with yet here I am saddled with this fucking chore of living and trying to fit myself in somewhere.

I hate that this entry has become the stupid stereotypical "wah I want to kill myself" entry that all the other diaries are about. I sound 14 and angsty. But this is serious. It's not a passing whim. I truly have had enough. I don't care if I succeed at anything anymore.

Obviously I'm tired. It's easy to despair at 2 in the morning. But when I wake up tomorrow, I push all these feelings down into my guts somewhere, hop on the bus and go to work like nothing's wrong.

I fit myself in.