The scale this morning was wavering between 151.5 and 152. This is nice. I'm excited. I feel like, yeah, I can do this. I want to be at final goal now around 135-140. That's a little lower than my original plan, but I think, in time, I can get there.

I was running from the bus to work this morning and I *ahem* noticed my reflection in one of the windows as I ran by. My jacket and shirt were lifting up and I could see my tummy from the side and I almost flipped out. I didn't recognize myself. I thought, that's not me, that's some other girl much hotter than me. How freaky!

I ran into Chrisjones this morning on the bus, well, getting OFF the bus. I didn't recognize him with his shades on and I think I was looking at him funny...all eyebrow up and like, who is that? I know that guy..kinda.

HEY I forgot to mention I got major compliments on my jeans and my body at class on wednesday night. I actually received a round of applause from all the girls. I didn't know what to do so I hid my face behind my hands and curtseyed. Like I said before, that environment is one of the MOST supportive environments I've ever been in. Everyone in that classroom is rooting for me. Makes you feel really important, that people really care about you.

I know that other people do care about me, but sometimes the encouragement feels forced, like "yeah you look great, good for you". But it feels like they're saying it because they think/know you want to hear it, not because they really really mean it. Anyway, it's still nice to hear.

It's so hard to take a compliment as it is, and when you've spent most of your life hating yourself and thinking your fat and ugly and someone tries to tell you you're not. It's really hard to beat that programming.

You know what's interesting? Start paying SUPER close attention to commercials and magazines and try to see what they're REALLY telling you. All the fear tactics they use like, if you have panty line, no one will like you, if you have bad breath, the beautiful woman will walk right by you. If you aren't thin, then no one will like you at your highschool reunion. They pray on your insecurities to SELL YOU SHIT. It's brutal.

What they do is create an unattainable goal, and then they offer you their best shot at trying to attain this goal. They offer you an airbrushed, heavily made up, plastic surgeried, starving woman in such a manner that says, here, this is what people love. And then they say, ok now buy all our stuff, and you can be this person.

But the sick and obvious joke is that you CAN'T be that person. No matter what. No matter how much you spend on their products and rituals and diets and how much you subscribe to their philosophies.

So I guess the real trick is learning to distiguish between things you do to better yourself, and things you do to be someone you're not. Like, am I losing weight because it makes me feel good and I like the way I look, and I feel healthy, or is it because, I will never be successful if I don't, I'll never look like her if I don't.

It's learning to find positive reasons instead of negative ones. And believe me, I haven't reached enlightenment. I make the same mistakes everyone else does, judgeing myself against other people who are not me, and who will never be me no matter how hard THEY try. Judging myself based on what other people have told me I should be like. Or maybe what i THINK other people have told me I should be like.

I've been rejected for being too fat. That was one of the reasons to start losing weight. It was a catalyst. I've always wanted to, for me, for my acting career, I was always unhappy and uncomfortable in my own skin. It took someone telling me that I wasn't good enough the way I was to go, ok, I gotta make myself the person I have the potential to be, plus being an actor was a big deal.

And now, bit by bit, I'm realizing what's important to me and what's not. I no longer do this to impress anyone. I no longer do this to make other people happy. I do this to make me happy. To give me a reason to spend all my money on fantastic clothes that I never got to wear before. I do this because when I run or do anything physical now, I can see my muscles working, and I don't feel giant waves of fat wabbling around on my body.

I feel compact, I feel mobile, I feel flexible, I feel shapely. I feel like the person that's been HIDING behind insecurity and fear has no reason to anymore.

Nothing holding me back now, may as well go for it!!!

Wow, that turned into a therapy session!