May. 02, 2004 - 10:32 a.m.
The Angry Girl

I've stopped the meds once again. I have felt that they are making me hide from my emotions. It's a double edged sword maybe. I don't feel the anger and the hurt, so I can function. But I don't deal with them. I don't do them justice by trying to eliminate their provokers.

I am so angry. The sadness that I always thought plagued me is truly anger. I have so much anger built up that I don't know where to start. So much hate and anger and frustration. I feel so much injustice. I feel like I have been tossed about with wild abandon and left for dead.

I feel like the Bride in Kill Bill. I have a list. Lucky for that list I don't know the five point palm exploding heart technique. I wish I did.

My heart has exploded a million times, and I wish it would stop growing back. Maybe everyone else on earth knows this technique, just not me.

I'm so angry. I'm so angry. So angry. How do I explain what I feel? I feel like my gifts to people have been taken lightly. I feel like they've been laughed at, mocked. I feel lied to. I feel used, and I feel a device in other people's schemes.

I feel lied to.

I've been told "Arianna, I love you" so many times, and it's really meant nothing to the speaker of those words. I don't know why Jackrabbit bothered to say them to me. I can recount the times that he did, because they meant so much to me. But in retrospect it seems like it was said to keep me in line, keep me on the hook.

I remember the first time Tromley said it. It was over yahoo chat, at work. I really didn't know why he said it or in what context but it confused me. I never knew even till this day what he really meant by it, or what he meant to accomplish by saying it. Any time he said it. And he said it a lot.

Well, my anger is calmed for the moment. It took me an hour to write this entry. I'm going to yoga now. I'm going to relax. I'm going to try to treat myself well today, because I haven't been and that's a hard rut to get myself out of.

I don't want to be angry anymore.

I'm going to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind tonight. I need to see some brilliant film. Remind myself what I want out of life.

Extraction, maybe that's the key?

old bitching - random - new bitching

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