Jun. 15, 2004 - 6:36 p.m.
Things said in anger

There are ways in which anger can alter a person.

Things that you previously held dear and fought for with all your might suddenly become trivial and pathetic. They become a farce, a joke that was played on you from day one. A comedy script in which everyone knew the outcome but you.

Certain things that have been said to you over the course of your experience with these dear ones become lies. They become deep, intricate fabrications: conspiracies. They become plans to make you feel a particular way and believe a certain thing, to whatever end.

Anger makes beautiful words hideous lies. Anger fills those same words with previously undetected subtext; every word seems carefully placed. Anger makes the memory of a gentle touch become jagged and hateful. Anger makes the intent of that touch manipulative and calculating. Anger makes everything you have ever done for me selfish, selfishly motivated by your desire to take care of #1. You. Anger turns expressions and feeling into vanity, self-pity and regret.

And how I regret. How I regret letting you in. How I regret believing anything you've ever said to me. How I regret my wishes and hopes and efforts. I regret my words. I regret my actions. I regret my feelings, and how I expressed them to you. I regret expending time caring for you. I regret expelling energy worrying about you.

I wish I had never met you. I've said that before, in anger, about people.

But I've never truly meant it until now.

old bitching - random - new bitching

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