Feb. 27, 2003 - 9:35 a.m.
Turning Point - 39 Days

Yes kids, it seems my life is on an upswing.

I have felt so out of control for so long, even while with Chris. I would "get it" for a while, but I always had excuses and I always had big fears.

Well, the fears are still here, but they've been overshadowed by something bigger and better and shinier. They've been squished up by someone that sees me in a light that I am not used to being seen in. Yes, there's a new boy on the scene.

But I think this has come to me because I made room for it. Even before he came into my life, things were starting to fall into a better place for me.

My living situation was scary for a while. I wasn't sure if I could afford to pay for the condo I bought so I took a roommate which proved to be difficult in my opinion. So I live by myself, and it's so much better. Now I don't mind scraping together the money because it's going to something worthwhile. I'm paying myself every month instead of a landlord.

So my "habitation situation" is in control. heee

My weight has been an issue with me since my teen years when I was so depressed and put on so much weight. I've always felt awful and ugly and unacceptable. Chris made me feel great about my body, Jackrabbit made me feel horrible again. And now that I'm free of Jackrabbit, I am at a distance to see what I really am. I have a great body. Yes it's bigger than I would like, but I'm in proportion, I have nice curvy hourglass shape, I'm muscular, I can run and run and run.

I recently had the use of my little brother's digital camera and, of course, I had to take nude photos...One of my favourite art forms is nudes and I was feeling kicky so what the heck. I realized that my body is nowhere near as bad as I thought. There is always something I would change, but that would be true no matter what my weight. So that little outline thing up on the right where Bettie Page used to be, that's me. Not bad huh?

Anyway, the taking control thing, the weightwatchers. I feel like for the first time in my life I'm doing something seriously proactive regarding my appearance. I've lost 5.5 pounds so far and I haven't freaked out and binged yet. It's working for me, I'm happy to endorse...

With my career. I love getting things done. I got a call from a decent mid-level agency (which is about where I am in my career, not experienced enough for the top guys yet) who seemed quite interested in me. They want a tape. So monday, I'm making a tape for them and I'm going to take it in that day. I want a new agent. It's getting busy again in this city for film and tv and I need to get cracking. So I am cracking! I'll let you know how that goes. The funny thing is, too, as I was on my way to class last night on the bus, I passed my current agency's office. There are two large "FOR LEASE" signs in the window. My timing couldn't be better. The best part is, I never signed any contracts with her, so I don't owe her anything. YAY.

WOW this is a long one, but I just wanted to get some things out. I've cleared out some of the bullshit in my life and it's made room for someone brilliant and bright and it's made room for me to realize my worth and that what I want is worth the hard work that I have to put in to it.

This is a turning point. No more "Poor Arianna".

old bitching - random - new bitching

Reads Like:
Black ribbed mock neck sweater, black cuffed trousers, black and grey striped wool socks and mary janes
Sounds Like:
ooooh silence. I can hear David on the phone in the background
Feels Like:
cold on the outside, toasty warm and lovin on the inside

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