I can't be me today, I just can't. I've spent the day on set, being me being someone else, and I come and realize that I am me again, the fatter me, the me that has this swollen belly from eating too much bread and potatos and chinese food. The me that isn't the me that I want to be, and I seem to be getting further away, today, lately, despite my efforts and actions that seemingly should bring me closer.

So now I want to throw up, I want to throw up all the food I've eaten today, yesterday. All the food I've eaten since last September when my life kinda fell apart.

The alone thing isn't good right now. Right now is the moment when I needed someone to come home to, and say, wow what an interesting day, what was yours like? And then huddle up and try to keep cool.

I want to have a bath but the sight of myself naked makes me feel like vomiting right now. I just want to float up and out of my head. Just out of here where I don't have to look at myself, or feel myself or think about where I am and why I'm here.

My throat hurts, I think I'm coming down with something. I feel horrid. No one here to rub my head for me, or my back. Or put a cool towel on my forehead. Or read me something.

Or make me laugh and feel like things are alright. They just aren't.

I'm so good at being all right. Because I have to be. If I wasn't, and isn't this so melodramatic, I'd be dead n gone. Long time ago. So I "be alright" and smile and say "yeah I'm fine, but I'm not fine, but I'm fine, you know?"

I feel like I'm underwater.