So last night, I worked late. Chris didn't want to pick me up from work because he had a couple of beers at home, so I took the bus, feeling more distanced from him than ever. I arrived home and got a so so kiss from him that was a hello nice to see you kinda thing. What I needed was "I haven't seen you all day, got it's so great to see you, I need your body now gimme your lips mmmmmmmm you taste so good" kinda kiss. He had been DVD shopping and was in the middle of watching UHF (as you know, he's a geek and has never really gotten over Weird Al). He turned it off promptly and popped in "Super Troopers" which didn't do well on the big screen, but I can't figure out why because it's HILARIOUS! I loved it, I almost peed myself. It's these guys that had a comedy group and they wrote and acted in this movie and they are so natural and relaxed and funny and silly that I can't believe that no-one liked it. I suppose the humour was a little too intelligent for the Chris Farley worshipping Americans. Back to the story. After movie, we went to bed. He lathered on lip balm, so he couldn't kiss me and then crawled into bed and did his usual kinda touch his arm to me thing that he does and promptly fell asleep.

It's hard to say if it's something wrong with our relationship, or if it's just the way he is, comfortable, relaxed and totally oblivious to how needy for passion I am. So after a little crying and lying on the couch to think for a bit, I thought about leaving. I thought about how I would feel if I went to stay at my mum's for a while, I thought about how he would feel if I told him I wanted to take a break. I cried harder after thinking those things and I went back in a woke him up. I told him what I had been thinking about because I respect him and don't want to manipulate him. I just want him to know exactly what's going on with me. He didn't say anything. I asked him about how these things made him feel because I want him to FEEL SOMETHING, ANYthing but this one note laid back-ness. He said Lots of things. He said he felt guilty for not making me happier. I said what else. He said he didn't know. How can you not know? But I accepted that and he pulled me close and hugged me tight and smoothed my hair and stroked my back and we had quiet, mellow, laid back sex.

I've always known that he wasn't a passionate person. I knew that before I became involved with him. Rod and I used to call him "Unpassionate Chris" back in the day. But he's something else. He loves me on a deep level that is internal for him. He doesn't require constant reassurance that I love him. He just knows that I do and that he loves me and it's all so very simple. It's me that's complicating things. I've always said that simplicity is the key to making anything work; I should take my own advice.

Anyway, the point of this yammering on is that I am going to stop thinking about myself so much and just accept him for what he is and accept him for how he expresses his love. By being constant, by being faithful, supportive, trusting, and honest.

I won't be complaining again. Unless I have PMS, then I can do whatever the fuck I want.