It only took one jab this time as opposed to 9, like the last time because of my high anxiety regarding needles. I have panic attacks and I have to regulate my breath or I hyperventilate, shake, grow very cold, and all my veins shrink up and disappear. It was over in one shot though, the nurse was good.

Then I rented a couple of films, got some food for the week from the grocery store, came home and rearranged my entire house.

I haven't spoken to anyone since 10:00 this morning. I haven't opened my mouth and uttered a word to another human all day.

Jackrabbit is also not talking to me right now. He thought it would be better for everyone if we didn't talk or hang out or acknowledge each other's presence for a week. I am contemplating whether or not I want to ever talk to him again. I was very very upset on the weekend, as you know. I was sobbing and heaving when he phoned. I told him I was having a bad moment and could I call him back. He wanted to talk about it. I suggested that I didn't want to talk to him about it because a)he's not usually good at comforting me b) he often thinks that things that upset me are because I'm a narcissist and I pity myself (maybe I do, but it doesn't make it better to point it out). So I told him the same and he got a little annoyed.

After I had calmed down I called him back to talk about what I was going through and how I was feeling and why I was so upset. And he managed somehow to turn the conversation towards him, and our friendship. Anyway, conversation train went along and ended up with us (him) deciding that we should take a week to see if we still should be friends.

I am starting to think no. I feel like, what kind of friend turns a moment of my own self doubt and trouble into something to do with him and then turns against me, in a moment when I needed the most support?

So now, today, I have no one. Anna has her boyfriend, she is with him, and she's working. Karin has her fiancee, she's too busy with school. My brother is at school, and he's 16, though he knows a lot, he can only help so far. Christina is in LA.

Now Jackrabbit is gone too, and I really am alone.

He always said I should try being alone more, but it's awful. I am the kind of person that likes to be alone once in a while, but not when I'm hurting, not when I need another human to tell me it's ok and I'm not a total freak.

Comments and guestbook entries are one thing, and the reassurance is good, but a human touch, a hug, is sometimes all a person needs. I had no one to help me after the blood test...
=(

It's times like this I miss Chris. I miss coming home to someone who's always here, or always a phone call away and is willing to say "i'm sorry that sucked, yeah you can feel pouty, someone just stabbed you with a needle!", Not "you're a narcissist, you always think about yourself, it's kinda pathetic".

I don't want "tough love". I don't need it, it doesn't help me, it makes me worse. It confirms my feelings of inadequacy, it says to me "yep, I am a loser then, I should be shot".

AUGH. I hate this. I wish I could go back to the start of my life and do it all over again, (knowing what I know now of course). I would have respected myself more, taken better care of my body. I wouldn't have quit skating, I would have continued with piano and trumpet and choir. I would have gotten myself into acting at an earlier age, with an agent and training right from the beginning. I would have given my family a little less trouble. I might have worked harder in school. Made different friends. Experimented less with drugs. Delved into my visual artistic talents more.

GOD a million things I would have done differently, but I think that's how everyone feels isn't it?

This has been a long entry, but I needed to just get out some stuff, since I've been alone, and thinking too much again.

I also have cramps and PMS and BOY does it fucking suck.

I am retaining water.

Bastards, the lot!