I read back and some of the stuff i've written is so arm over the forehead it's ridiculous.

I got so dramatic over jackrabbit. I didn't have to. it's stupid to. i just get into myself too much.

He's right. You're right JR. I guess i am a narcissist. Self indulgent, self absorbed, self directed. it's not really me, in here, is it.

I once had a conversation about eidolons. The persona projected by your online personality, your online creation. Not the person doing the creating, but the person created.

I seem like such a dour dramatic whiny angry bitch in this diary, and I have all these elements inside me, but it's not me. I am also realizing that the person I was when i was with JR was not me either. I was consumed by all these awful emotions that became a part of my life, and I made them a major part of my life because I had been so drastically and heartily rejected and I refused to allow that or see that as reasonable or reality.

I couldn't believe that I was initially rejected because I was too chubby. I had to believe there were other issues there. that he was hurt or damaged or someone had done something to him and now he's afraid it'll happen again.

But I think I'm wrong. I think that I just have to realize and accept that things are as they are, face value. The initial rejection was what it was, what it seemed. And then I just brought in other issues and magnified things and made it worse. So really, the reason things are as fucked up as they are is because of me. i didn't leave well enough alone.

My ego and my selfworth wouldn't allow him to get away with that. I couldn't just say to myself, oh well, what an asshole, that's his loss, fuck 'im. And move on. I had to beat a dead horse until the dead horse said "enough" and got up and left.

So now I have a friendship, maybe, and it's weak now, and it's fragile and I don't know if it's going to survive. I read his words this morning, they are new. I found them by chance. made me upset. Made me mad. Made me frustrated and maybe realize that without him, i'm ok.

We haven't been in contact for three weeks now? And I'm ok. But then I read his words and I'm not ok. this is going to take more work than I thought, and I'm afraid it spells the end.

I would like to blame him for all this hurt and pain, but really, if I break it down piece by piece, it truly is my fault. I hung on, I made it worse, I refused to accept anything and I made all the cuts and slashes that healed into scars that will never go away.

So our friendship is scarred, badly. I just don't know when to quit do I?

I need to forget. Everything. Right. Now.

And I wish my ears would pop.