He had another one with whom he tried the other, he was aloof, and indifferent, and you can imagine how that turned out. Of course she cheated on him and then dumped him.

It got me sentimental for him again. And I sent him a big long email about all the good things about him, and all the lovely and amazing things that I miss.

The letter:

I just wanted to say that I was thinking about you tonight, and I miss you a lot. I was out with Ryan and Derek and Brett tonight and I missed you. Like crazy. I know you've had a bad time of it with your past girlfriends, that they treated you like shit. Please, I hope you know that I wouldn't have. For the most part, I've been fine about the breakup, but now and then little things remind me. Like when I take a bath, I look at the floor, wishing you were there. When I'm sewing, the ugly brown leather chair is so empty. I made gourmet sausages. Guess what I thought of? When I pass Meinhardts, I see the place where you always parked and remember getting cheese and fish cakes.

It's ridiculous, in a way, how much you permeated my life in all of two months. And that was just being you. I'm gushing. You can skip it if you want. I miss watching you shave or doing your hair. I miss the way you rocked your hips while inside me after I came. I miss exfoliating your face and washing your hair. I miss the way you kiss. I miss the way you fuck. I miss you grabbing my ass and smacking it (ya even that). I miss the ramscoop(s). I miss your ID tags. I miss sucking at Halo in your presence. I miss you buzzing my buzzer at 1am. I even miss waiting for you. My cats miss you. I wanted you to know how amazing you are to me, how every little thing you did made you all the more fascinating. Even your imperfections.

Yes, I feel pathetic sending this, but I have all this shit bottled up and put away and for some reason, tonight, it's all coming back. I felt like I gave you so much, nearly everything, and you didn't want it. Is Ryan really that good a friend? He has a woman in Calgary now. Did you know that? Was it really worth it, leaving me for that reason? I feel like it was nothing for you to go, no big deal. Like you succeeded in detaching yourself from me even before you actually did it. You got mad at me when I asked if you were seeing anyone else. You told me no, that it was a serious relationship. I was so sorry I had said that to you, I didn't know it would bother you so much. And I believed you when you said it was a serious relationship. How serious could it have been when it was so easy to go? I'm not angry, by the way. I just wish I could be in your head to see what it was like for you, what I was like for you. How you feel now. How you felt then. Etc.

I miss you.

I hope your exams aren't too nasty..I heard that was what you were up to these days.

I don't know how you'll view this, who knows. Maybe you'll smirk and think "wow, she's pathetic, I really had her on a wire". Maybe you'll just shake your head and think "yeah, I better avoid her", maybe you do miss me. I don't know, really. I just wish things would have worked out, I really think that we would have been great. I still think that.

I miss you.

I miss him a lot. He's an amazing guy, though he's young, and I wish he would see that.

I don't expect an email back from him. I wonder if I'll get one, and if I do, will it be cold and indifferent, will he miss me too, will he want to see me again.

I hate uncertainty, yet I seem to thrive on it for some reason. Who knows why. I guess it's all part of being a dramaqueen?

Anyway, I miss him, I'm sad for him and I'm sad that we couldn't stay together. He's my favourite in some ways..he never judged me or made me feel inadequate. I always felt beautiful and sexy and smart and desireable with him. He just reminded me that you can't fix fucked up people, for the most part. You just have to let them go and fix themselves. And maybe send them off with a few kind words and gestures.