It's a weird feeling.

When I was young, a teenager, I was experimental, curious, depressed, lonely and a million other things and as a result I did a lot of stuff that I quite regret. They say that you are who you are today because of what you were before. I learned a lot from those things, but at the same time, I wonder who I would be if I hadn't done them at all. Would I be smarter? Would I have better self esteem? Would I be slim? Would I look older now? Or younger? Would I have had more real relationships or none at all? Would I have had a better home life?

These are all what ifs and are hardly worth worrying over, since there's no possible way to start clean, to wipe them off the slate. I can't be born again. I can't just forget who I am or what I've been through in my life. I can't stop myself from feeling dirty and used now and again, the remnants of being 16 and messed up. Like everyone else, I guess.

I just see my brother, at 16 and I see what a great kid he is, and how he's not going through the shit that I did, though guys always have it different.

I'm so proud of him and his intelligent choices, his convictions to stand by what he believes in, his acceptance of other people. I love that he looks up to me, and discusses his concerns and curiosities and questions about life with me.

It makes me want to be 16 again too, to start again. To stand up for myself more and have more respect for myself and to be myself, whoever that would have been.

I was such a mess then, and the residue of that still drips from my insides, fouling the waters.

I had a friend who said that he wished he could travel back in time to when I was 14 and save me. I wish he could too.