I think that the only way I'll keep the baby is if Jackrabbit jumped up and said "yes, I've decided I love this and I want to have the baby together with you."

But the chances of that happening are zero to nil. So the chances of this abortion are pretty much sewn up.

I want my kids to have a father that wants to be a part of their mother's life too, not just theirs. I don't want the father of my children to have girlfriends, and wives. I don't want them to ever ask me why daddy loves them but doesn't love mummy. Why daddy doesn't live with mummy. Kids aren't dumb. They know something is up, even if they don't understand it or have any reference to it.

I want the nuclear family, but not in the christian traditional barfy sense of the label. In the sense that I want to be in a partnership with someone who is my best friend, and loves me and can't imagine life without me in it, and I want to feel the same way about him. Then I want to add kids to the picture and teach them their own path. I don't give two shits about white picket fences and all that, though yeah, I do want a house, hee hee.

I don't want to be a single mother. I don't want to be looking for a companion all my life while raising a kid, albeit with the help of jackrabbit. I don't want to do it alone. Because despite how much he would promise to be there and be a father to him/her etc, he would still have a life of his own. He would still find a girlfriend/wife and they would want to have a family of their own. That family would always come first, no matter what, and when my child is grown, I'll be alone again.

That scares me. I want to go through life WITH someone. I want to experience all this crazy shit WITH someone. Am I making sense? Am I asking a lot?

I don't think so. Other people seem to manage it. There are three couples in my office that have done it. DnB are the newest parents. They're so happy and such nice people and I believe it's real, not a facade. Their daughter is about 1n a half now and she's awesome. They've only been married a couple of years I think. They didn't even know eachother when D started working here.

So I don't think it's a fantasy to want that. It exists, I've seen it. And I want it. Not just with anyone either. Because that's not it either.

Funny, I'm making a little person here in my easybake oven and I've never felt so alone in my life.