Well, game three on thursday. BRING IT.

I have raspberry stones stuck in my teeth. OW. I also ate way too much food for lunch, though all WW friendly. Just feel like puking now. EWW.

I discovered today that I have been doing two tasks at work the complete wrong way for a year and a half now. FUCK. So I get to spend my week fixing that up. How very exciting. VERY. I suppose it gives me something to do.

My acting teacher last week said something about the way I walk and present myself. I think I mentioned this but she said that I have to start seeing myself the way other people see me. I have to walk a little taller and a little sexier and things will be brighter for me in so many ways. She's right though too.

So I've been trying to be a little more consicous of where I look when I walk, how I hold my shoulders, how my footfalls are. I tend to stomp around in my heeled boots, but that's something unconscious. Maybe it's a power thing? Enh...

Thinks are well with the lawyer, I think. I feel happy. I feel worried for no reason. I'm getting older, I can feel it in the way that I fret about things that in past days would have been carefree. I missed out on the relationships when I was younger, a teenager, when things would have been all fun and games and fucking around and carefree. Now I just worry about the future of it, I worry about how much I'll be hurt later. I worry about the little differences between us that may one day come crashing down on me. I worry that I'm going to one day smother him, that he'll get sick of me.

I worry that his hatred of children will never change and I'll one day have to choose between being with him because I love him, or leaving because I want children. I'll have to choose what's more important to me and that's terrifying.

I worry that he'll finally realize that all the little cute things I do aren't so cute anymore, and they're just annoying and ridiculous and stupid and girly and self centred.

I've talked to him about some of my worries, but I feel stupid when I say them out loud. I feel pathetic when he has to reassure me. Like he'll tire of that and one day say "fine, yes, I do think you are irritating when you do that". SO MUCH FUCKING FEAR!!

WHY????? I can't stand it anymore. I can't stand all this fucking terror and uncertainty. Why can't I just let go and trust? Why can't I just let go and have fun and enjoy him? Why is my confidence such SHITE. FUCKING FUCK.

I'm so angry at myself. I'm so furious that I can't get myself out of my own shit puddle. It IS pathetic. It IS annoying. It IS irritating. It's irritating ME. aocruna;rh jrg

And now I'm falling asleep at my desk because the food is digesting and I have no blood in my brain goddammit.

GRRRRR. I want this day over now. I want to go run. I want to pound out some shit on the stairmaster. FUCK. I can't run though, my stupid fucking ankle is still messed up from when I sprained it. TWO months ago.

I have to start focusing on the good. This is getting ridiculous.