It was a good weekend for the most part. Ups n downs.

I went and picked up my prescription for effexor, my antidepressant of choice. I'll claim it with my insurance so I'll get the money back at least, since they aren't cheap. Whether or not I take them is another story.

I'm sure I've argued about whether or not to take them before. I'm still thinking about it.

I'm in a pretty limbo headspace right now. Neither here nor there. Still torn between wanting to spend time with Jackrabbit because being with him energizes me and telling him I don't want to see him for a while because it kills me to be around him knowing he's not with me and never will be.

I feel like screaming.

It's pathetic, really, how fucked up I am over a guy. Sometimes I read my own words and they make me sick. They're PATHETIC. Maybe that's why I want to go back on the antidebressants. I don't want to FEEL anymore.

I don't wanna feel all this longing and sadness, it sucks and it's horrible.

I don't know how to take my mind off of him, other than to focus on another guy, and I don't want to do that because I don't just want a boyfriend for the sake of it, and I'm not in contact with anyone that I really really want to be with other than JR.

So what do I do? Somebody please tell me how I fix this? How do I make all these feelings go away? I'm a sucker for abuse, it's obvious.

I'm an emotional masochist. I choose men that destroy me at every turn, or who are emotionally unavailable to me. Bradley. Trevor. Jackrabbit. I'm in my own vicious pattern.

I could date little Alex from class at the drop of a hat. I know he wants me. But THAT would be using him. I have no feelings for him. I respect him as an actor and I think that he's not such a bad guy, but there's nothing there. Why not? I don't know why not. He's significantly shorter than me? He's got the most nasal voice I've ever heard? He's whiny? He's full of self pity (now there's something I CAN'T complain about)? All these things are shallow.

But his personality doesn't twig me. He doesn't sparkle in my eyes I guess. And I don't sparkle in JRs. So when am I going to just fucking wake up and stop pining?

When am I going to get a fucking clue and stop panting after him like a bitch in heat?

When am I going to have the courage to wean myself away from him?

When am I going to get it through my thick skull?