I called Tromley to invite him to my going away drink after class last night and he sounded weird. I tried to be there and make sure he was alright, but he was weird. I feel like my attempt at communicating was all screwed up.

And Kyla yesterday morning, I was trying then too and I felt like I was in a fog and she wasn't, and I couldn't get my words to cut through.

Class last night, I was good in my scene, and I felt good about it. But then when I tried to talk to MAL-R and Bean and Alex things came out all wrong.

I stumbled over my feet. I stumbled over my words. I was stumbling.

And now I'm back at work, and my head feels full of helium. It's a long weekend. Long enough for me to disappear into myself. Avoid the things that make me feel disconnected and maybe just let me be me for a while and do what I will. Four days to garden, go to yoga, work a bit at the theatre.

I felt like his ex was there and he wasn't telling me. I'm becoming paranoid. He jokes about how I make his life difficult and stressful, but he's not joking, really. He joked about how he told me to go away and I'm not. That made me feel like a cling-on. It didn't make me feel important to him.

I said "awwww, but you luuv me" and he said "yes I do" with enthusiasm but the stuff he said around that was still said and it still sat there and I still felt it and it pushed my little afloat-boat further out to sea.

I don't think I have an oar in here.

Shit.