I skipped my therapy session too. Well, I called actually, but no one got the message. I have to pay anyway, that's fine. I just couldn't get on the bus all the way out to UBC and back and I wanted to rest at home, it's been so long since I've been at home.

I ate gallons of food yesterday. It'll be a miracle if I can get into my BCBG dress for tonight's party. Good fucking luck.

I called Tromley last night, and he was out on his bike and said he'd call me when he got home. But in between that time I kicked myself for calling him. I have to learn to not need to hear his voice when I'm hurting. I have to learn to be less dependent on him for support and comfort. I just have to learn to deal. I can't go running to him everytime I feel horrible, and especially when he's back with Jana, I CERTAINLY can't go running back to him then.

So when he called back, I didn't answer. I just laid there and let it ring. I still cried. I still had a tough rough night, but I felt a little bit stronger for it, in a sorta weird indirect way.

I feel like I've learned a lot about me and just things in general regarding love and relationships, but at the same time, it seems like I've learned nothing at all.

I fall in love, I want to make something of it, and I'm refused so I become sad and dejected and feel like things are wrong with me and want to fight for it.

I suppose the good thing is that I don't fall for EVERYONE. There are loads of men in my life that are friends and will be nothing more than friends to me. So I'm not willy nilly about it, I hope.

I guess I just see something in someone and that leads to me seeing something else, and that leads to seeing more and then suddenly I see the whole picture, and it's a picture that I feel good about and want.

With Tromley, it grew like wildfire. It was small, at first, and there wasn't a lot there. I liked him, I liked his personality, he was fun, sexy in a unique way, he had the body that I liked, and he responded to me.

There was a time when I thought, no, I don't think we'd have a relationship. I was hung up on Jackrabbit, and he on Jana and it just seemed odd to think about it.

But things just grew, and I realized that I loved hanging out with him, and missed him when he wasn't around, and the sex got better and better and even on my meds it became psychological and the sight of him made me wet. Things we would do together like reading in the bathtub made me realize how much like me he was and how he was so much like the 'dream-guy' I'd always wanted.

And then I started seeing us together. In a real sense, in a real, lasting way. And that's where the shizz fell apart.

And now I've been told to go away, to stop holding on, that there's nothing for me, and I'm back where I started. Wanting someone who doesn't want me. I have no-one to blame but myself.

I really do have to stop caring so much. I have to stop seeing so much, and just turn a blind eye. The next time, it will be someone else who has to fight for me because I won't be looking at them, or who they are, or what little lovely things there are about them. Those are the things that make me fall, and I fall so hard and so deeply and I am starting to feel like Alice down that rabbit hole in the tree.

My well of emotion seems to run just as deep as that rabbit hole too, but there's got to be a bottom somewhere. I wonder if I'll ever run out and just become cold and bitter and unforgiving?