Then I started thinking about when Jackrabbit broke up with me. How that unfolded. It was actually pretty awful. He came to my home, slept with me and then after told me he couldn't get over my weight and didn't want to date me anymore. How I knew what he was going to say even before he said it. How tears rolled down my cheeks before he said the words. How low I felt, how utterly unloveable, unwanted and how he had completely missed the point of relationships. And he still does, really. I wonder where I'd be now if I had thrown him out on the spot and never spoken to him again. I wonder where he'd be.

Then I was thinking about Trevor breaking up with me and how when he said he wanted out, I broke out of the hug we were in and I said, Fine and walked away, and he looked stunned "That's it? That's the end?" What did he fucking expect? A fucking medal for being so principled? I wish I had just thrown him out now, instead of crying and being sad while he could watch me. I should have thrown him out on his self centred ass and let him feel like the one dumped after all.

I should have thrown them all out on the spot but I couldn't because I was too weak. I wanted them all to change their minds.

Why coudn't any of them see how great I am?