May. 13, 2004 - 9:41 a.m.

wish wash wish wash.


I missed yoga yesterday which sucks, but I was trying, and it started at 4:30 and I was still at the damn skytrain station 10-15 minutes away waiting for a bus to come. So I missed it. Instead, I went to Granville Island to the Cat's Meow and had wine and fettucini alfredo (healthy!!) before toddling off to watch "One Man Star Wars Trilogy" which was fantastic and brilliant and I can't wait to see "One Man Lord of the Rings". Apparently also brilliant.

I would have gone for dessert after or a drink with Kyla but I couldn't, I was too tired and glad I didn't eat more because, well, I am not getting any thinner these days. I went straight home to bed.

I'm so insecure about things and it's so hard for me to believe people anymore when they tell me things. I wonder if my friendship with Trom is really that deeply ingrained in him, and he's really that adamant that we remain together like this or if it's superficial after all. I want so much to believe that if were gone from his life he'd miss me so much.

But I can't help but think that he wouldn't. That he'd be fine. But I suppose everyone would be fine eventually. Humans are resilient and survivalist in nature - after a while, we grow accustomed to the lack of someone in our lives. We have to be able to or we'll never get over death. People and things in our lives die, and I think we're born with the ability to move on and that the "use it or lose it" aspect of our brains apply to this.

Say there's an area in your brain that responds to seeing someone you love. You see them, your brain responds, you feel them, so that when they're gone after, that reaction is still there for a while. You've exercised that part of your brain. If you don't see them for a while, you miss them, that part of your brain aches for exercise. But if you don't see them for a REALLY long time, that part of your brain begins to atrophy, and eventually is gone or so minimal that it no longer makes its presence known to you. It no longer aches for exercise - effectively, you are 'over them'.

If we didn't have this, as soon as loved ones died, we would die. That's not condusive to the survival of mankind.

BUT, there are all kinds of cases where when one partner dies, the other soon follows, of a 'broken heart'. Perhaps that part of the brain has been so exercised over so many years that it's impossible for it to atrophy. It's a muscle that's been hit with shots of the love-steroid for so long that it's huge. It's so big that it dwarfs all other areas in the brain.

Is it possible that Trom's brain has a muscle in it for me that's been worked enough that it wouldn't atrophy, not for a long long time? I don't know about that. His brain region for Jana was obviously massive and impossible to overpower with a new, little, practically untouched area set up for me. Going by my above hypothesis, it wouldn't take him that long to forget about me.

What about me? What's my Tromley-brain doing? How much work has it received? BUCKETS. I think I've overworked it enough that it's going to take a long time to stop thinking about it. I already catch myself settling on memories of us together and how good it felt. Then I get upset. Then I think about how much happier and how much better it must feel to be with Jana. And that hurts too. I can't help it, I punish myself. I can't imagine anyone being better with him than me. Isn't that stupid? The human ego.

Whatever the case, I don't think I'm doing much in the way of allowing that muscle to atrophy. I think I keep feeding it that Tromley-steroid, even with just my thoughts. Hope is a hard thing to get rid of when it's settled.

In the meantime, I become strange and spacey, and I don't know which end is up, what the right thing to do is. I just don't know.

old bitching - random - new bitching

Reads Like:
Brave New World - damn it's good!!
Sounds Like:
Spiritualized - Ladies and Gentlemen...
Feels Like:
tossed about

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