Oct. 25, 2002 - 8:56 a.m.
My Halloween Costume

Got this off of the brenda.


What kind of punk kid are you?

brought to you by Quizilla

Couple of cute options in there..go for it. I am in the midst of making my costume. Go here: Alice

Am I cool assed or what? So I've been thinking a bit about how I feel about relationships and things these days. I'm scared I'm getting too boy crazy and setting myself up for a big hurt by falling for people that in my old, no-self-esteem days would have considered out of my league. But that's where the question "What IS my league" comes into play. That's just it. What IS my league? I don't know! I'm quite attractive, very intelligent, make decent money, these days, am self assured and fairly confident. What kind of man falls into "my league"? It seems an awful lot would. Here's where the fear comes in. I have interest in someone. I am afraid to introduce this someone to someone else for fear that they will instantly fall for this someone else, which obviously means that that person isn't right for me, but it still leaves you begging the question, what was wrong with me? What am I lacking? You could turn it around and say, "What was wrong with him?" But you all know that none of us do that... I am starting to fall prey to some of my old fears. The fear that someone will dislike me, the fear that they think I'm annoying, that sort of thing. I can be annoying. I used to be such a sad, tragic character, really. Quite melodramatic in that I would dig myself a little hole with my thoughts and cry in it. Lonely, full of need. I feel like I'm not that person anymore, but easily could be, and that's what's so frightening. I see lots of great guys that I would love to be with, but they are already with girls, who I then associate with qualities much better than mine, or see me as just another buddy. I want to inspire desparate sexual desire. I want to inspire desparate love. I want to feel what it's like to have someone insanely passionate discover that he can't eat, sleep or think without me. Chris was never like that. EVER. I mentioned the other day that I want a whirlwind desparate romance type thing. My crush said "you want that?" I said yeah, he said "me too". I wanted to read into that SO badly. I wanted to read that he meant, yea me too, with you. But that would be foolish and hopeful. Things don't ever work out that way for me anyway. Too much fear in my life still. It will take forever to quell them all, but I guess I just have to work on them, one at a time. Love.

old bitching - random - new bitching

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