I feel like parts of me are dying; I am a little less quick to smile these days. The inherent mirth I used to carry is diminished; I don't laugh like I used to. Things I used to derive joy from no longer give me the same pleasure. I feel like the leaves of a plant that isn't getting enough water. There are brown spots, rotten spots, dry spots, spots that are already dead, entire leaves that are curled and black and with just the wrong breath, will fall off. I do not get up in the mornings and look forward to my day and my life. I don't look forward to the evenings when I come home to nothing, the same nothing I left in the morning. I'm just going through the motions.

I am afraid that I'm placing too much importance in school. I'm afraid that I view it as my salvation, that it's going to save me, or change my life so drastically that I will no longer suffer these things. But what if it doesn't? What if I've placed too much hope in this and when I am let down, yet again, I will not be able to take it?

It's true, what they say about hope. If you don't have any, you'll never be disappointed. How can you not have hope? I used to wonder that in many an entry here, but now I can see how. You just don't. There comes a day when you wake up one morning, and the usual wonder and expectancy of the day is gone. You just move, and without grace.

I was graceless this morning. I have been graceless for a while now, and it hadn't sunk in 'till today.

There must have been that one leaf that housed my hope. And it's about to fall off. Hold your breath, please.