I love myself today
I love myself today
I love myself today
I love myself today etc etc.

I'm such a spaz. I'm still at home sick, where I've been for the last two and a half days. The skin on my nose is raw and peeling from all the substandard tissues I've been using, such as toilet paper and kitchen paper. DUH. I asked for that.

I'm going through a strange time. I haven't had very deep, interesting thoughts lately. I think I'm afraid that if I think too much or too deeply, I'll find thoughts and ideas that I am afraid of, that will send me over the edge and I'll become a hermit that cries all day and wants to die. It's all I can do to hold on right now and I think if I let go and let the control go, I'll spiral down into a hell that I won't be able to get out. I've been there before and I don't want to go again. I've been so lonely in my life that although I would never take my own life (far too much common sense for that sort of thing) I often thought, gee it would be nice if that bus hit me by accident. That's no way to live, and I don't want to live that way.

What level of hell is this existence anyway? Why do we all have to suffer so much pain? Even the people we think haven't got a care in the world are suffering in some way or another, not just the blatant suffering like hunger and disease.

I've always been of the mind that in each life we live, we need to learn something in order to advance on the scale of whatever it is we advance on, but one of the things that happens when we advance is that we head to higher, better levels of existence. If we don't learn anything, we stay in whaveter existence we're in until we do learn something. I think we've all been here for a long time. This one, this earth, must be so low on the scale that we can't even see how far away the top is.

It also brings the question, is being human and sentient really that much better? We destroy everything we touch, we can't live in harmony with anything. We infest like locusts. We blindly hurt each other, we fight, we battle. We are all so angry, we all want so much power. We are weak, in the sense that we create things and then allow them to control us, out of sheer laziness. Like money and technology. There was no heart disease before we "modernized". We waste everything, even each other. We are petty, selfish, brutal, savage.

If we were an experiment, I would say the experiment failed, got out of control, ran away with itself. Animals don't do these things to eachother. They don't lie to each other, they don't hurt each other emotionally. They don't "need therapy". There's no headgames, it's always survival of the fittest. They don't need slimfast to find a mate. The weak are bred out.

The only thing they don't have to the degree we do is music. I would miss that.

"You had so much to give, you thought I couldn't see. Gifts for bootheels to crush, promises, deceipt"

"I miss my beautiful friend"