We talked more last night and weeded out one of the things that may have doomed us a little. The fact that we didn't really have the casual, mostly exclusive but not quite relationship stage. We dated for about 4 months, which is a long time, but then I went to Scotland for four months and while I was there, he told me he loved me and that he wanted me to come home and move in with him. He missed me so much while I was away. So I came home and we moved in together, technically a mere 4 months into our relationship (since four of the eight were spent apart). That's too soon isn't it?

I am not going to get my hopes up, because that would be foolish, but perhaps having a very casual relationship of just seeing each other but not living together will make us closer. Maybe we were just too serious too fast and need to backtrack a bunch.

I don't know. It's all so confusing and I just want to drop of the end of the earth sometimes, to avoid all this trouble and pain. It would be so easy to just become a field of energy and float around involving myself in things but not being aware of them. Or to be a cat. They don't care about anything.

I feel sick. I want to vomit. I can't get rid of this constant minor migrane. And I have all this time at work to sit and think about it.

Joy.