No one called to tell me. I found out from my brother who was on MSN. I sent him a hello message. He said "did you hear about gramma?".

She was stuttering pretty badly, which is weird because she doesn't have a stutter, so they called an ambulance. Turns out she probably had a succession of small strokes. So she's spending the night in the hospital and NO ONE thought to call me and tell me. I'm furious. I'm worried about her.

And my best friend in the world right now hates me because I hung up on him, I'm sure. It seems we can't talk anymore. We always argue. I always feel like a bad guy around him. Like I say and do things that are evil all the time. He can be so condescending sometimes, like he can do no wrong. I suppose what I said wasn't the nicest thing, but I was pointing out a consistency that I had noticed when he criticizes other people. The premise that people need to suffer to become wise or worthy in some way. He managed to make me feel stupid and ditzy.

I can't talk to him anymore. I needed him for comfort tonight. I guess I ruined it. You always hurt the ones you love I suppose. Maybe I should just stop seeing him or talking to him. It might be better for everyone.

I'm sorry Jackrabbit. You know I love you and you know that I have problems and maybe it's too much for me to deal with right now.

Fuck. Too much. Gramma sick, my boyfriend unreliable, my love removed from me, my body out of whack. Life weighs so much sometimes. It's heavy like a thousand vultures sitting on your shoulders pecking at your eyes and ears now and then. It's times like these when my depression takes over and I would rather die than deal with things.

I feel so totally alone right now.