I spent the evening with Tromley. We had a long discussion yesterday, which I think I mentioned, about how we're both totally messed up about past relationships and would like companionship but could not commit or promise to one day commit to each other. We both absolved ourselves of the responsibility for each other's emotions. Not necessarily wise, maybe, but we're both hurting and it's nice to commiserate and be kissed too.

We watched Castaway and cuddled on the couch and it moved, of course, to full blown making out and so one. We did everything but the deed, and not by my choice. He said that he didn't want to have sex casually, that he doesn't have sex casually. Which is sorta ridiculous because I felt like I didn't want to kiss and caress casually.

I'm used to fucking. I have done it so long and in so many pathetic and poor situations and with all the wrong people and for all the wrong reasons that over the last 13 years it has ceased to have the same emotional effect (JR aside).

But loving touches, those have been few and far between. Being held tightly because it feels nice and he wants to instead of feeling obligated. Touching my face or stroking my back. Kissing me for hours. Whispering in my ear and then kissing it. Going down on me.

I've experienced these things in small bursts. Little pockets of affection here and there that always seem to go sour after a while anyway. Something always goes wrong.

But I guess with casual unattached sex, it's safer, in a way. You fuck, you suck, you're done and there's no chance for you to get close to them. They're going to leave anyway, it's expected.

This is a rather sad entry that was sparked by how I felt after the denial of outright sex last night. I don't feel rejected, he made sure to reassure me that it was not a rejection and I felt that. I just feel like I opened up too much last night and let him do things to me that felt too nice, and were too sweet and loving and made me feel too special. Because I don't want to go there with him. I'm not ready, he's not ready.

It was really really nice though. Really nice.