I think I'm developing carpal tunnel sydrome. I probably spelled it wrong too.

I haven't seen water boy since before Christmas, and I hope I do, because I think I'm going to bite the bullet and ask him out to lunch or something. AUGH. My guts just heaved at the thought, man that's scary, and I don't know why. I know when I ask him I'll be BRIGHT smokin red in the face out of the sheer nervous rush of it. How humiliating. Wish me luck.

I had thought about things, and I know that I don't want a boyfriend right now, a hardcore, fully committed boyfriend, but male company is great, and I like it, almost more than female company, which is usually so competitive. Having a boyfriend, right now, is a lot of work, and is too scary for me. I don't need to get my hopes up and have them dashed to little agonizing bits again.

Guess who's in town!!Tollef! He's Justin's buddy. His dad lives here, and he's in town until Saturday, so I intend to make time to go for a drink with him. SUCH a small world.

I'm freezing.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with myself, and I think it involves moving to Scotland. Or Ireland. Not England, really, I've had enough of that, but the other two, the accent is music to me. I felt so at home, and I felt such a part of things, whereas here, I just feel like I'm existing. I'm doing my daily shit and it's lame and I just want to get by.

I honestly think I want a family. I'm getting to an age where I think about it a lot. I'm 27 this year, and nowhere near starting any semblance of family, which makes me think about it all the more. I know better, of course. I know that I can't support kids right now, I have no career to speak of (doesn't include lamo job). I don't have a partner who I've been with long enough to know that I want them to be a father with me. Etc. Is this freaking people out or what?

But these are the things women have to think about. At age 27, yes ladies 27!!!!! our bodies begin to go downhill in terms of having babies. Sure we can have em right into our forties, but the chances of that happening and having the child be healthy as well as you etc etc, go down by some ridiculously HUGE percentage every year after 27. Think about it. At 30, it's already harder to maintain physical health. It's harder to hang on to vitamins and minerals, it's harder to lose weight, it's harder to work out more, you get tired more easily, all those fun things that come with age. What will we be like when we're 45? I'm not worried about getting older. I couldn't care any less about that. What I am worried about is getting older and missing the chance to be a mother and regretting it bitterly. Can you dig?

Am I crazy? Yes, maybe. QUAZY even, as a dear friend might say to me...

I'm going to eat my cashews, smell the coffee and wish for chocolate.

Much love. Send some back.