I haven't spoken to him for probably about a month, and funny thing is, I don't care. I don't feel like I want to. I don't miss him. I don't think about him sexually anymore either. Officially and completely over that one, I guess. I don't think I really really cared all that much about him in the first place.

I think that when we started dating, I was lonely, sad, needed to feel really wanted and he did that for me. He made me feel sexy and beautiful and that someone really wanted to be with me. I knew I guess, all along that it wouldn't have worked out, though at the time I would have liked it to. I thought maybe I could save him from his mysogeny. Fat chance. Bradley syndrome all over again.

Maybe I used Trevor in a way. I used him as an outlet for all the emotions and affections and strong feelings I had bottled up inside for Jackrabbit. I needed something to shower them on, since I couldn't shower them on the person I wanted to. Cause JR was the one I wanted. So instead of keeping them all bottled up inside, I poured them out on Trevor.

He never could get over Jackrabbit either. I think he was insanely jealous from the beginning and it ate away at him. You should have seen the way he screwed up his face when I talked about JR. Just looked so "curses!! HIM again".

Well. I'm not going to do that again. The feelings I have are the feelings I have and they are for one person right now and I think it's impossible for them to be real about anyone else. At least that's how I feel now. So rather than delude myself more, and delude some poor sod, I'm not going to get involved romantically with anyone. Just can't do it and mean it.

This doesn't mean I'm waiting for him. Because a)i'm sure that'll be his first concern and b) maybe that'll be everyone's first concern. If someone came along that inspired real feelings in me, and recognized in me all the things I want to be loved for, and I felt the same, then I would give it a chance. But I haven't met anyone like that, and the chances are pretty slim right now that I will meet someone like that since I'm not really meeting people. Like I said, I'm not going to write anything off.

At this point, I'm not ready for someone either. I wonder if someone like that came along, would I even see him? Would I recognize it? Probably not.

I don't have the strength anyway.