So on the advice of others and because I know it to be true, I am not going to date for a while. I've called things off with Tromley. I've pretty much backed away from everyone. I'm considering, still, calling JR up to meet him for coffee, give him his things, hug him and tell him that I can't be friends with him ever.

It was supposed to snow on the mountains yesterday and last night. I was disappointed to find this morning that it hadn't or what had fallen had been washed away already. The mountains look as bleak as I feel.

We finished shooting the short film today. It was fun, I felt good about it again. There was no acting today, just walking and looking happy and it made me feel good for a little while.

I had a great work out this morning with my new trainer, I felt very strong. I had dinner with Gramma who told me that she has sleep apnea and may die in her sleep at any time, which was not comforting. I almost cried at the table in White Spot, but I stopped because I didn't want to upset her.

I put on 5 pounds.

I don't miss Tromley. I'm sorry that it's turned out like this, but I think it's better I stay away from great guys, I don't want to be hurt, I don't want to hurt them, I don't want to get involved.

Maybe that's been my problem my whole life, why I go for emotionally unavailable men. Because I don't want to get involved. Heaven forbid I should TRULY truly let someone in to see my ugly self. I'm very good at being a nice person.

I think I've often ignored my self loathing. I think it's there due to feeling inadequate and worthless for the better part of my teenage years and never really dealing with it. So on some deep level, I don't like who I am, I don't like my body, I don't like my insides. So I convince myself. I look in the mirror and try to convince myself. "See? You ARE beautiful! Just look!" . I tell myself, "You're a great girl!" And list all the nice things about me and I pep talk myself into believing that I actually think I'm ok.

But then through the cracks now and then I see what I really think. That I'm awful, selfish, manipulative, unrealistic, dramatic, over-emotional, narcissistic, cruel, cold, self serving, self pitying, self indulgent, greedy, spiteful, vengeful. You name it.

"Well, what about the man that I saw handcuffed in the emergency room? Bleeding after beating his kid and she threw a shoe at his head, and I think what he did was wrong, and I had a hard time feeling compassion for him. I had to watch my tone for fear of having you feel judged."

- Alanis Morissette

That song actually has little relevance, but those lines have been in my head all day and I had to get it out because it's driving me mad.

Back to work tomorrow. Another day another dollar, another day closer to the goal..the ground.