If I hadn't already had some sort of doubt in my mind somewhere, then I wouldn't have agreed with him that there was something wrong with me.

But in the same breath. When you don't think something is wrong with you, and someone says "hey, this is wrong with you", wouldn't your curious nature begin to wonder? Wouldn't you start to think, oh, hey, maybe this IS wrong with me.

And then that thing that has been put out there that is wrong with you becomes reinforced by that person pointing out people that it ISN'T wrong with, then you start to feel it. You start to think, yeah hey, that person has this thing that I don't have, that I chose not to have, irreversably.

Depending on the type of person you are, then, your hardwiring, you might start to agree. You might start to find that you DO lack what they have and that you want what they have.

If I had been secure to start with, the minute he opened his mouth to tell me I wasn't good enough for him because I was too chubby, I would have tossed him out on his ass and been rid of him. But I wasn't secure. I was weak, and afraid, and I let him demoralize me.

If he had truly cared for me, these things wouldn't have mattered. My size and my breasts wouldn't have mattered at any point. Whatever his own excuses or hangups were, they began whatever weird experience we had together on a bad note.

They set the foundation in muck, sand, bog. And our little shack just sank. What a bitter year and a half that was, consisting of me trying to prove myself worthy to someone who wasn't worthy of me.

And I do it again and again.

I have to stop allowing people this power over me. I'm not sure how to do that.