Have you ever felt completely disconnected? Like you have no tendrils of connection to anyone at a given time. And I mean NOBODY. Today I feel like I am disconnected.

I feel like things that I am saying are coming out of my mouth and dropping straight to the ground before they reach the person I'm saying them to. I feel like the thoughts in my head are backing up against the back of my throat. A bottleneck that's plugged.

I feel like my emotions are doing the same, though coming up my throat, so I'm choked in all directions by things wanting out and having no escape route. Since I'm not connected to anything, there's no out-road. There's no road map. Just empty space.

There are people I want to be connected to. Kyla was over last night and this morning, and I talked a lot, I'm sure, but I couldn't say anything. I had nothing to say and I wanted to say so much. Choked.

Tromley, there's so much to say. Choked.

JR there's so much to say. Choked.

Even Helen, I find I'm feeling adrift from, and I live with her.

My mother and brother, neither of whom I've had a conversation with in ages.

All my girlfriends, I don't call them anymore. I called Anna. I wanted to then, but I haven't had the urge or the motivation.

I am disconnected. Like a head without a body and a body without a head, but they're both here and I'm using them. My breath still flows. Yoga keeps me together somehow, but the further into myself I go, the further away from everyone else I become.

I am paying myself more attention now. I'm trying very hard to listen to my body and to be present in it. To wear my skin like it was meant for me. I've always thought it wasn't. I want to BE me and live here in ME.

But this makes the distance further between all of us.

"Feel a pulse beneath the skin. And smiling as it all begins, oh where have you been?

So amplify this little one, she's a volume freak. She hears as much as she can see, and what she sees she can't believe. It's just that Judy needs a moment of relief to give her peace, peace, peace."

- Catherine Wheel - Judy Staring at the Sun