Oct. 01, 2003 - 9:16 a.m.
Subconscious Rears its Secretive Ugly Head

I wasn't going to update. But I had a dream.

I dreamt that I was in a relationship with a sado-masochist. We lived together in a hotel room. He loved me so much. Dearly and terribly but never showed it, never told me though I knew he did.

We had a pretty heavy duty sex life that involved lots of other people as well as being our livelihood, as we were paid for our services.

He forced me a lot of the time to do things his way, have sex his way which was part of his sadism, but it wasn't respecting me and my boundaries, but I did it anyway. It scared me sometimes, it made me hate him sometimes, it made me cry sometimes. But I still loved him somewhere in my heart.

He was tall, like 6'4 and very skinny and had short dark hair and fair skin.

One night he had forced me to do a lot of things, and I was hurting and scared. He wanted to do more, but was hopping in the shower first, telling me all the things we would do when he got out. I packed my things very quickly. I stuffed $170 into my pocket. It was specifically a hundred, a fifty and a twenty that were lying on the table. That was all the money we had at the time. I stuffed it in my jeans pocket, threw on a sweatshirt and shoved some stuff into a bag. And I left. I didn't get very far, out into the parking lot.

It was a weird hotel parking lot with a strange elevator that was a platform you stood on and then it sank to whatever floor the parking was on. I wanted to get on it, but there was a fat lady in a hawaiian print mumu standing on it already and I had to wait. It was really sunny and hot out. And as I waited I thought about him and how he would be out of the shower now, noticing that I was gone, and with our money and my things, and how he would break down and cry and call out for me, looking around the tiny apartment.

I thought about how miserable he'd be without me and how he'd just sit on the floor and cry with his face in his hands wanting to die.

So I went back.

old bitching - random - new bitching

Reads Like:
Pride and Prejudice
Sounds Like:
Feels Like:
Neutral. I'm neither here nor there, but I'm good. No depression in sight. Maybe a dream hangover.

3 fussbugets said...

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