Anyway. That was cool. It was a clear sunny day and we could see for miles. Very fun. the glass floor was specifically unnerving but i managed.

then we hoofed over to the national film board (where I'm going again today) to watch free films financed by the NFB. that was cool. they have these funky space seats that plunk you down in front of a large screen and the seats have personal speakers at your head that are adjustable, and you control what you watch on a touchscreen console in front of you. SPECIAL. I felt like I was in a 50's futuristic movie.

Then we went to a cool assed vietnamese restaurant, which i seem to have repeating on me today in the form of rather potent backside air.

then we played pool at a place called Andy Poolhall. that was amazing fun. I love playing with someone who is more or less my level. No pressure, no frustration. Tim also seemed to open up to me a lot more yesterday. First day since I've been here that I felt he really connected with me. it felt good.

So today is movie day. i'm going to kill some time walking, maybe shopping, and watching movies at the NFB and the Paramount right across the street. tomorrow is Kill Bill day.

on a side note: i've stopped crying when I think about jackrabbit or read an email of his. He doesn't inspire sadness anymore, I don't feel the emptiness. Even when I listen to things like Sigur Ros, which previous would cause floods of anguish and lonliness to pour forth.

Dan savage, courageous writer of savage love, a sex advice column once told a lamo letter writer that the best way to get over someone is to "ACT LIKE IT". Act like you are over them and eventually you will be.

It's working for me. I feel detached, I don't feel dependent on him anymore. I no longer feel that he's essential to my happiness. Because I'm happy right now.

This is maybe to some a pathetic way to look at it, but recently I have felt very sexy, very attractive and very alive. I've received attention from people that has reminded me of those things. And this is bringing me back to the place i was in before I met jackrabbit, when i was making progress. JR undid all this progress and made me feel like I was nothing, inadequate, unattractive, and undeserving of sublime love in a relationship. Anyway, that shit DOES exist and I DO deserve it and it's out there for me. Love should be work, but not THAT much work.

I wonder if it was sexual. If his pheromones drive me so mental that i can't live without him when I smell him? But that there really isn't love there underneath it all. Maybe it really is all about making a woman come so hard that she never leaves you because he made me come like no one else yet. maybe it's the same for him. He liked fucking me so much he mistook it for love.

meh. who knows. but either way, it's over. I'm sure he could still hurt me if he really tried. But i have to decide if I will let him hurt me anymore, or not. I'm thinking NOT, but i suppose that remains to be seen.

In the meantime...I don't wonder if i've found a place to fit in or not. Toronto is so different than Vancouver, and to be kinda brutally honest, generally the people I see on the street here are not as attractive as they are in Van. isn't that snotty? but I don't wonder if my acting career wouldn't be better here with less competition?In Van there are SO MANY little hotties hollywood bod type girls and I have seen almost NO ONE that looks like that here. Anyway, who knows.

It's all just thoughts.

Time for a walk. I'm just yammering. I think I'm going to talk about montreal when I get home. When I can post all the pics and such.