I think it's more a combination of frustration with myself, lashing out at the people I know already, without actually saying or doing anything that would resemble lashing, feeling pigeonholed, feeling stuck and stagnant. Feeling like I'm going nowhere fast and the people around me are not a part of me like I thought they were.

I find I have no desire to maintain any of my friendships, which is awful, and it's not intentional or anything that anyone has done. It might be just a symptom of the way I'm feeling these days. I just can't be bothered, which makes me feel horrible, of course, but at the same time, I don't care.

So the question is what is good for me now? To hole away and spend time alone with myself? Or nurture my need for attention and go looking for something new to distract me from my old shit. But that's the old game, isn't it? Distraction?

Do I sleep with Tromley because I crave the physical contact? I ended that trend, we're taking some time away. Am I slipping back into the way I was as a teenager, filling the vacant space with various guys who ended up making the vacant space wider?

I think I've stepped up from there, at least. I was proud of myself. Bradley, the guy I was reacquainted with on Halloween who made me miserable several years ago and who apologized for things, emailed me and asked me if I wanted to get together again for sex and shenanigans. I wasn't surprised at all.

I was proud of myself for telling him no. It seems like such a simple thing, but he was ANOTHER of those guys who were emotionally unavailable to me, delighted in torturing me (subconsciously?) and I wanted to "be there for him, proving that someone cared even though everyone else didn't". I was devastated once again. I ask for this, you see? And I felt good about turning him down and offering a mild friendship. I haven't heard back, I don't expect to. But it's no big loss, really.

So I guess I'm not the same girl I was at 17. This is good news.

There are steps here, possibly 12, to take in order to get to a place I want to be. I think I need to stop looking for things to make me happy, outside of myself, which is what geminis tend to do (groan) and maybe just learn to be happy with what I have because I have a lot. I've done well for myself.

I just told Misstress to eat a whole pie. I'm the devil.

Anyway. I think this whole big hullabaloo is saying that I need a change, and fast!