Can't do it. Can't do it. I just dwell on things and dwell on things and they get bigger and bigger and worse and worse and then the only way to make it better is to implode, flip out and remove myself entirely. I'm just a spaz, that's all. A spaz.

Medication helps. I think. Or does it? I just become dull, but do those very feelings actually go anywhere or is it just that my nerve endings are numb and I can't feel it anymore. Is it like taking painkillers for a headache? The ache is still there, but the pain is no longer felt.

It's just a bandaid. And I don't deal. And still I don't deal and don't deal and end up alienating everyone, including myself. And I hang on to hope and I hang on to everything that needs to get away.

My friend Mia summed it up well. It's like a cat. If you grab the cat and hold on, they squirm and squiggle and maybe claw you until you let go. If you sit on the couch with your lap open, they come up and sit themselves down, and rub their faces all over you and curl up and purr.

Well, I am the grabby grabberstein and I can't seem to let go of them cats. What is that? Why is that? I think I'm actually one of those psycho women. I don't call ten times a day or anything but I would if I didn't have at least that much control.

AUGH, It's so frustrating for me. I want to be DONE with this but I can't seem to be. It takes time, I guess, I want everything now now now.

I suppose I could try to take Jackrabbit as an example. I don't cry over him anymore, though I do still feel sad and angry. But I haven't seen him since April. I wonder, if I do see him, will all that anger and hurt and resentment and sadness come right back and pick up where I left off?

I don't know. I do miss JR, often enough. I think about him a lot. But I don't wish for him anymore. I would like to see him again. But I don't pine.

That took a year and a half of awfulness and fighting and an abortion and a final straw flip out, and even after the final straw flip out, I still wasn't 100% on getting rid of him. If I was, I wouldn't want to see him again, and I want to see him again.

That's ridiculous. This is ridiculous. I've got to be better at being good to myself. Does anyone know how to do that?